Wife: “Hey! What are you doing?!?”
Me: “I’m reading and you’re having a nightmare”
Wife: “No, I’m wide awake. Who is Jezma?”
Me: “What?”
Wife: “You just said you were Jezma”
Me: “I did not”
Wife: “Oh shit, I wish I recorded this. You thought you were Jezma and now you feel like a dumb dumb”
Me: “Sure, let’s go with that”
Wife: *Freaks out and gets out of bed, walks to the bathroom*
Wife: "She’s trying to get in the bed!"
Me: "What are you doing?"
Wife: "I’m not buying those effing crayons"
Me: "What?"
Wife: "I’m not buying those damn crayons for her anymore"
Wife: *wigs out*
Me: "Are you ok?"
Wife: "I don’t know why you won’t just go trick or treating with me"
Me: "Wait, what?"
Wife: "This is why we can’t just talk about it because you won’t go"
Me: "What are you talking about?"
Wife: "We were supposed to go trick or treating but you are laughing at me and won’t go"
Wife: "What? MOM!?!"
Me: "She’s not here."
Wife: "Oh. I’m worried about the pony"
Me: "What pony?"
Wife: "The pony. Coming out of the cage."
Me: "When did you get a pony?"
Wife: *asleep*
Wife: "Sounds like Mousetrap"
Me: "What?"
Wife wakes up in a panic and covers her head with her pillow, yelling.
Wife: "No, no, no, no! I don’t want to play! Seriously I’m not playing this game!"
Me: "what game do you think we are playing?"
Wife: "Well, I guess I can play for a little"
Me: "What are we playing?"
Wife: "The game with the cup. Where we have to put the guy in the cup. I don’t know. Right?"
Me: "What cup? What guy? I don’t see that here."
Wife: "I don’t know. The guy that we flip."
While playing "Thrift Shop" on Spotify…
Erin: "Is this my, uh, my theme list?"
Me: "Your what?"
Erin: "My theme list that I was working on"
Me: "I guess so."
Erin: "oh, ok"
Wife: "Oh, they *mumble* the coupons."
Me: "What coupons?"
Wife: "I don’t know."
Me: "I don’t either."
Wife: "Did you get your present yet?"
Me: "My what?"
Wife: "Your yoyo"
Me: "I don’t think it’s here yet"
Wife: "Mmkay"
Wife: "Woa! That’s beautiful! Where did you get that?"
Me: "Get what?"
Wife: "That picture! Do you see it?"
Me: "I sure do."
Wife: "Do you have it? It’s over there, I can see it."
Me: "No I don’t think so."
Wife: "Oh. Ok."
Wife: "What’s this?" *Points at my arm* "It’s leaking"
Me: "My arm is leaking?"
Wife: "I like the tattoo."
Me: "I have a tattoo and it’s leaking?"
Wife: "Um. I, I think I’m not asleep"
Wife: "It’s pool"
Me: "What’s pool?"
Wife: "It’s *mumbles* a pool. But not not not. Um, not swimming pool"
Me: "Not a swimming pool?"
Wife: "No. Ok?"
Me: "Ok."
Wife: *mumbles franticly* "I don’t want to, don’t make me disappear!"
Me: "Why would I make you disappear?"
Wife: "I don’t know but no more. I don’t like it. Don’t make me disappear!"
Me: "Ok, I won’t make you disappear."
Wife: "Oh…my….gosh. Don’t move over. There’s, this…"
And then she starts grabbing at invisible stuff on the bed and tosses it off to the side.
Me: "What are you doing? I was using those."
Wife: "There’s this huge thing of hair. And not just your hair, it’s mine too"
Wife: "It’s better here. I like it here."
Me: "Where?"
Wife: "Hey, do you need help? I need to clean."
Me: "Why do you need to clean?"
Wife: "I just thought to help you. I already asked, didn’t I?"
Wife: "Hey. I moved over so you have more room in *mumbles*"
Me: "More room in what?"
Wife: "In the button area. You can have more room."
Me: "Why do I need more room?"
Wife: "I don’t know. But I thought you wanted more room for the buttons"
Wife: "Do you see that up there?"
Me: "See what?"
Wife: "That big green. It’s going to be, um, on the green there."
Me: "It’s green?"
Wife: "Yea. Big glob of snot and it’s gonna fall."
Me: "Snot?"
Wife: "I can’t even look anymore. Big snot. It’s gonna fall."
Girlfriend: "Hey, where’s Jillian?"
Me: "She’s on the roof"
Girlfriend: "Yea right. If she was she would poop so hard the ceiling would fall."
Fiance: *pointing at the ceiling VERY rapidly* "Holy shit!"
Me: "What?"
Fiance: *mumbling* "…and its all around the sinking. See it?"
Me: "Yea. I think it’s sinking toward you"
Fiance: "It’s sinking up there. It’s really bad. Do you see it?"
Me: "I see it. Why did it do that?"
Fiance: *mumbling again and then back asleep*
Fiance: "You can move the *mumble*"
Me: "Move the what?"
Fiance: "You can move the shelf if you want to"
Me: "Why would I move the shelf?"
Fiance: *disgruntled grumble*
Me: "Don’t growl at me, I was just going to move the shelf"
Fiance: *silence*
Girlfriend: "Wait. What’s that dog doing?"
Me: "Wha…"
Girlfriend: "Hey, no! Hey hey hey hey hey. Dog! Stop that!"
Me: "She’s sleeping"
Girlfriend: "But she’s over there. It…it looks like she’s inside the door"
Fiance: "Wait, what happened? What did the light go?"
Me: "I turned off my laptop"
Fiance: "Will it turn back on?"
Me: "Yea"
Fiance: "With the lights and stuff?"
Me: "I hope so"
Fiance: "Oh. Ok"
Fiance: *mumbles quite a bit and points at her pillow* "Theres another million under there…" *mumbles*
Me: "What?"
Fiance: "Yea, under there. I’m not getting near there." *inches towards the foot of the bed*
Me: "Really?"
Fiance: "It’s a million. all bees." *continues to inch towards the foot of the bed*
Me: "where are you going?"
Fiance: "Getting away. They can get off me." *falls asleep*
Fiance: "This…This is why I’ve had so much trouble. It’s like, it’s like this piece of hair made of plastic. You know, it’s like plaster and it’s just I don’t know I’m not going to explain it."
Fiance: "I, I don’t like that. *points* The king is back there."
Me: "Why?"
Fiance: "Because I’m going to sell him"
Me: "Why are you going to sell him?"
Fiance: "I don’t know. It’s genuinely like, what, what happened."
Fiance: *giggles* "But it’s not my problem."
Fiance: "huh? But it’s free"
Me: "What’s free?"
Fiance: "The thing on my phone. It’s, where. You know."
Me: "What is it?"
Fiance: "It’s for the phone. The sound of wild horses, free, for iPhones."
Me: "I like free"
Fiance: "Uh, what’s he doing?"
Me: "Nothing"
Fiance: "Yea he is"
Me: "He’s walking his dog"
Fiance: "Oh. Upside down?"
Me: "Yep."
Fiance: "Oh. hah."
Fiance: *sits straight up in bed* "huh? Wait, how do I get out of here?"
Me: "The door."
Fiance: "That door that says no no?"
Me: "No, that’s the bathroom door."
Fiance: "But you said I could get out there."
Me: "No, you have to use the other door."
Fiance: "Oh. I’m so confused. I can’t get out of here."
Fiance: "Woa, woa, woa. What’s wrong with our ceiling?"
Me: *looks up*
Fiance: "It’s like, dripping down. Wait. Is it?"
Me: "I think I felt some ceiling drip on me"
Fiance: "That’s weird. It’s just weird"
Fiance: "wait, is that one more?"
Me: "It’s always one more"
Fiance: "ugh I’m always one behind. It makes me crazy"
Me: "You’re crazy already."
Fiance: "I know it makes me crazy. I can’t catch up"
Me: "Try running"
Fiance: "I can’t its always one more"
Fiance: *mumbling* "If I had a suit"
Me: "A what?"
Fiance: *pointing randomly at the ceiling* "I could get up there if I had a soup, er, shoot, suit. On the shelf"
Me: "An elf on the shelf?"
Fiance: "No, dummy, suit on shelf."
And she’s out again.
Fiance: "Oh, oh great"
Me: "What?"
Fiance: "It’s stuck up in the ceiling fan"
Me: "What is?"
Fiance: "Wait, maybe it’s a shadow from your head"
Me: "There’s no light to make a shadow"
Fiance: *asleep*
Fiance: *concerned mumbles*
Me: "What?"
Fiance: *concerned mumbles, lots of pointing with a crooked finger*
Me: "I still don’t get it"
Fiance: "Ok, re-re, look there is someone over there"
Me: "No, there isn’t. That’s a dresser."
Fiance: "Yes there is. There’s someone over there. Go look. Go. Do you want me to go?"
Me: "Hell no, you’ll die"
Fiance: "Should we blow him up?"
Me: "Yes. Absolutely."
Fiance: "Did you see it?"
Me: "See what?"
Fiance: "That *mumble*. Its an ant up there on the ceiling."
Me: "There’s an ant on the ceiling?"
Fiance: "Yea, did you find him?"
Me: "No, he ran away"
Fiance: "yea.." *mumbles*
And sound asleep again.
Fiance: "I don’t have it"
Me: "Don’t have what?"
Fiance: "The, Oregon trail. I need it."
Me: "ok?"
Fiance: *asleep*
Fiance: "This is really cool"
Me: "What is?"
Fiance: "This room down here is all Notre Dame stuff. It’s really cool"
Me: "Wait, where?"
Fiance: *weird mumbles* "Notre dame stuff"
Fiance: "Hey?!? Are you ok?!?"
Me: *confused* "yes"
Fiance: "Are you sure?! You said you were doomed!"
Me: "No, that was a cough."
Fiance: *starting to wake up* "wait….."
My fiance wakes up, speaking absolute gibberish and pointing down: "jfksjio and under the bed"
Me: "What’s under the bed?"
Fiance: "They have a stove under there"
Me: "Who does?"
Fiance: "I don’t know but I know they have one and it’s like…one they pass around to each other"
Me: "How do you know?"
Fiance: "I don’t know, but I know they have it"
Me: "It’s those damned Keebler Elves again, isn’t it?"
Fiance: *Sound asleep*
Fiance: "You okay?"
Me: "Yea. My eye itches"
Fiance: "So it’s ok now?"
Me: "Yep"
Fiance, in a mocking voice: "How does that happen? Whoop, my eye’s all better now. *giggles*"
Me: "Don’t laugh, that can happen"
She fell back asleep at this point
Fiance: "what?"
Me: "I didn’t say anything"
Fiance: *pointing at the wall* "ok, so you saw that"
Me: "saw what?"
Fiance: "ok, the cups were the stereo and your glasses were up there. It all makes sense"
Me: "No, no it doesn’t. You’re crazy."
Fiance: "no it was. It works."
Me: "Really?"
Fiance: *asleep again*
Fiance: "Do you want me to hold that?"
Me: "Hold what?"
Fiance: "What you’re working on. I’ll hold that if you want"
Me: "You want to hold my laptop?"
Fiance: "If you want me to"
Me: "I think I’m ok to hold it"
And she’s fast asleep again.
Fiance: "So anyone can have one but it’s not just me. See?"
Me: "Anyone can have what?"
Fiance: "Ok, are we really going to do this again?"
Me: "Yes."
Fiance: "Do you not understand?"
Me: "No. Explain it to me"
Fiance: "Can’t I just tell you later?"
Me: "No, I’ll forget"
Fiance: "Ok, listen, Re-re. Anyone can get one, it’s a prize. It’s a candle, but not just me, anyone can have one. Ok?"
Me: "Anyone?"
Fiance: "yes"
Fiance: "out of all the people on bikes, I like you best"
Me: "just on bikes?"
Fiance: "I thought you might like to know" *giggles*
Me: "ok then"
Fiance: "I hope you don’t mind. I moved the bed"
Me: "you did?" (The bed was not moved at all.)
Fiance: "yea. I used that thing where there is 4 instead of 3. And you tie it at the top."
Me: "It’s kind of cold in here"
Fiance: "Lay down and you’ll get warm, then you will be cold"
Me: "Is that how it works?"
Fiance: *asleep again*
Girlfriend: *puts her arm under her pillow, lifts it up and partially sits up* *mumbles something about a rose*
Me: "What are you doing?!?"
Girlfriend: "I’m not doing it"
Me: (I am slightly concerned at this point). "What are you not doing?"
Girlfriend: "Oh, you know"
Me: "No, I don’t"
Girlfriend: "you know, capsizing"
Me: "What??"
Girlfriend: "I gotta go. My ship is sinking and I need my last beaths of air".
Me: *blink* *confused*
Girlfriend: "It’s my Titanic"
I….have no idea. She snapped out of it when she heard me gasping for my own air from laughing so hard.
Girlfriend: "Do….what should I do? Should I go around the edge?"
Me: "What edge?"
Girlfriend: "The edge here. Should I go on that?"
Me: "Maybe? What are the options?"
Girlfriend: "What…what should I do? What do you want me to do?"
Me: "I don’t know?"
Girlfriend: "I’m gonna do what I’m doing."
Girlfriend: "Will you tell me when that guy" *fades off into a mumble.
Me: "What?"
Girlfriend: "That guy with the blue piece"
Me: "Which guy?"
Girlfriend: "The one with the brain piece. You know, he had it up there"
Me: "Oh yea, him. What about him?"
Girlfriend: "He had the two pieces."
And then she fell asleep again.
Girlfriend: *wakes up, speaking absolute gibberish, then plays around with her night guard*
Me: "What are you doing?"
Girlfriend: "I’m trying to figure out these ants"
Me: "What’s wrong with the ants?"
Girlfriend: "You just worry about your stuff over there"
Girlfriend: Is stuff alive over there?
Me: What?
Girlfriend: *Leans over to look on my side of the bed* I just picked this up over there and it was alive. And then… I shut it….and put it over there.
Me: You did?
Girlfriend: Yes. And it had a baby. A bad baby. But, you know, not a real one.
Girlfriend: "I’m not looking! I’m not looking! I promise!"
She then covered her face with the sheets and again said "I’m not looking! Ok!"
Me: "What are you not looking at?"
Girlfriend: "I don’t know. Something stupid" *giggles*
Me: "You will never remember this. And it’s almost a shame"
Girlfriend: "Probably"
Girlfriend: *pointing at the ceiling and moving her finger as if she is following something* "Did, did you see that?"
Me: "What?"
Girlfriend: "Ok, I didn’t make this up. It was red, and it was like hanging down, and then it got sucked up, and then it disappeared."
Me: *laughing*
Girlfriend: "Wait. And now it sounds really stupid"
Me: *more laughing*
Girlfriend: "I gotta go" *mumbles something*
Me: "What?!?"
Girlfriend: "Don’t worry about it. Just ignore me"
My girlfriend wakes up, looks at me, points then says…
Girlfriend: "I think she will mow the sunshine."
Me: "The sunsine needs mowing again?"
She was asleep again before she could respond.
Girlfriend wakes up, freaks out and pulls the sheets up to her eyeballs….
GF: "Holy dear God. That was scary. Did you see that? I didn’t like it"
Me: "I didn’t see it. What was it?"
GF: "It was a huge bumble bee. It was trying to eat me and spit me back out"
Me: "What was the bee trying to do?"
GF: "It was trying to eat me and spit me back out"
Me: "It was trying to eat you and spit you back out?"
GF: "Yep"
Me: "What, why?"
GF: "Because it’s mean and it wants to *garbled* at me"
Me: "I think you need to find new friends for bumble bees"
GF: "Yea probably."
Girlfriend: "be careful. Just be careful!" She then pat me on the butt
Me: "uh, ok?"
Girlfriend: *absolutely random mumbling* *giggles*
Me: "what?"
Girlfriend: "oh nothing. Im just. I’m just looking for you’re safety"
Girlfriend: "Who….whats in over there? Is he in there? What’s his name?"
Me: (bewildered at all of the random and sudden questions) "I think his name is Josh"
Girlfriend: "Is, who is the guy that’s above us in the replaceable. In there."
Me: "I have no idea"
Girlfriend wakes up abruptly, looks around the room….
Girlfriend: "Ok, don’t think I’m crazy. Do this…" She covers her face with her hands, as if she is hiding, but allows a small crack between her hands so she can look through.
Me: "I have absolutely no idea what the hell you are doing"
Girlfriend: "It’s just weird. When that stuff was moving. You just have to see it"
At this point all I could do was laugh. I had absolutely no response.
Girlfriend: "Hows that look? The log cabin stuff?
Me: "what?"
Girlfriend: "The log cabin in the closet. I don’t know. It looks like its…*pause*"
Me: "like what?"
Girlfriend: "I don’t know. You don’t need to tell anyone about this"
Oh yes, yes I do.
Girlfriend: "That will be it. Sticky paws."
Me: "What?!"
Girlfriend: "That will be your detective name. Sticky paws."
Girlfriend: *awakens and looks surprised* "ooooh my!" *points at celing* "Do you see that?"
Me: "See what?"
Girlfriend: "That thing over there" (she is still pointing up). "It’s kind of cool. It’s blue. It looks like a blackberry smell"
Me: "A what?"
Girlfriend: *Tosses and turns rapidly* "Mom!"
Me: "It’s just me. You’re ok, nothing is trying to get you"
GF: "What was that noise?"
Me: "I just sniffled a second ago. I’m still sick"
GF: "What does that represent? I mean, represent"
Me: "I have no idea. What do you think it represents?"
And then no reply. She had already fallen back asleep.
Girlfriend: “you’ll just have to wait and see. And I’m fully awake and in between the state where I know what’s going on and where I make blankets for invisible mary”